Giving evidence in a rape case isn’t a favour to the victim. It doesn’t prove your loyalty. It doesn’t make you an ally.
It’s about truth. It’s about justice for all the victims of sexual assault. It’s about holding a rapist accountable. It’s about integrity.
You wore the shirts. You chanted the slogans. You got your photo in the paper.
But when it mattered – when it was someone close to you – I didn’t count. It wasn’t the right kind of rape. I wasn’t the right kind of victim. It wasn’t violent enough, or clear enough, or traumatic enough for your comfort.
“At least it’s not as bad as being assaulted by someone you didn’t know. Like, you’ve been with him before.” Too many have said that – as if betrayal by someone I trusted hurts less. As if that makes it not real. As if the erosion of consent in love is somehow more forgivable.
You were tired of the cycle I was caught in, so you centred yourselves in my trauma. “It’s been hard for us too.” And suddenly, you decided I didn’t matter anymore. Suddenly, your comfort came before justice.
“I’m not going to be quiet, I’m not going to stay silent about this any longer,” “You can do it. It’s hard, but it’s ok. We all support you, will love you and will help you through this. It’s not your fault.” All just words. Your words. All just performance.
Support isn’t symbolic. Allyship isn’t aesthetic. And “but whatever, peace sign” isn’t neutral. It’s cruel. It’s taunting. It’s dismissive. It echoes violence. You’re not the victim in this, no matter how hard you try to spin it.
They keep saying, “It’s not about you” in response to my pain in my rape case. That’s not just dismissive – it’s gaslighting. You can keep shifting your discomfort from you to me – but silence, complicity, or cowardice rings louder – the alarm bells of failure in allyship, and betrayal of friendship.
I stood there, guts turned inside out, while you debated whether my trauma was inconvenient to your peace. Surrounded by people too busy making my rape about them, while I was left standing there – alone.
Still standing.
Delicate Feral – Bambi-Rose Woodward 